How has shame impacted your life and the way you feel about yourself? Although we don’t often talk about shame, and particularly our own shame, shame is an emotion we all experience. The words shame and guilt are used regularly and often people seem to use them interchangeably. But shame is not a more intense feeling of guilt. Guilt is the feeling we get when we have done something that goes against our morals and values. It is an emotional reaction to a behavior. But when we feel shame, it is not that we have done something bad, but that we are bad. Shame is not about what we have done but rather who we are: the intense feeling that we are unworthy, undeserving, inadequate, filth, unlovable, failures, self contempt and that we are flawed.

Shame most generally originated from experiences when you were young; wanting to be liked and wanting to fit in. Little by little you changed the essence of who you were in order to be accepted. We all can remember times when we felt diminished, rejected or unworthy. Our parents, siblings, friends, teachers all dictated what was acceptable and what was not. Acts of violence against us also damage our core spirit. There is an epidemic of violence in our society today: bullying, character assignation,
domestic violence, rape, sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse and neglect. Each of these profoundly impact the way we view ourselves, especially as we compare ourselves to others. We have a very human need to belong, to relate, to connect and to believe that we are valued for whom we are. The feeling of shame keeps us silent. We lose our voice and keep our secrets for fear of the disconnection from others. We are afraid we will not be accepted, loved or valued.

Talking about shame reduces the effects and power that shame has over us. But, more often, our feelings of shame are hidden, and seem to grow in the dark. We trip into our feelings of shame and hold onto them tightly, even when someone else isn’t currently shaming us. Shame is a way to disconnect from relationships, not wanting other’s to get to close to you, for fear they might see the real you. However, if you can find someone you trust to reveal the shame that you feel about yourself, it can change the way you view yourself and draws people closer to you. It does take courage to talk to someone about issues of the heart, who we are and about our experiences, good and bad.

For women, connection is about mutual support, acceptance and caring. Working through your shame requires you to talk about the ways you have experienced and felt shamed. But it doesn’t end there. Healing comes from learning to feel compassion and empathy for yourself. When you share your difficult experience(s) that brought the feelings of shame, with someone who responds in a deeply caring and compassionate way, it takes the power out of the shame. Healing from shame and its complexities is nearly impossible to do without the presence of another. You are not alone. I have a heartfelt desire to work with women who experience shame.

I invite you to call me at 303-514-4732 for a free consultation.